Turning Thirty
In many ways, my 30th birthday has been something I have dreaded. This strikes people as odd when I tell them, but let me explain.
When I was a teenager and first falling in love with music, I would often dream of what my life would look like in the future. I would see bright lights, big stages, and thousands of screaming fans. Those were my day dreams. I wanted to be a rock star.
On my 18th birthday I remember thinking about my future and projecting out where I would be by the time I turned 30 years old. The teenager in me felt that 30 years old was so far away. Surely I would be famous by then. Surely I would be hanging in the circles of John Mayer and Eric Clapton by the time I was 30. In my mind there was no alternative.
So, as thirty crept closer and closer I became acutely aware of where I thought I would be, and where I actually am. This dissonance has been challenging to wrestle with because that inner childhood dream has never died and it probably never will.
The Trip
As my birthday grew closer I felt a desire to spend it reflecting on my life so far. I wanted to sit down away from the noise, away from the hustle and bustle of life and really think about the decisions I made in my life to bring me to this point.
Whenever you talk to people about their 30th birthday it always seems to coincide with some sort of party extravaganza and lots of drinking (though there definitely was that last weekend). I didn't want to ring in my 30s in a fog. I wanted to be clear and mindful of this next chapter in my life. So, I decided to book a solo trip.
I rented an Airstream and went down to the Florida Keys for 6 nights. I stayed at a park right by the water with its own private beach and a paddle boarding launch point. At first I was unsure if I made the right decision. But, once I got down to the Keys I knew in my heart that this was exactly how I wanted to spend my 30th. Alone, disconnected, in a beautiful place with enough peace and quiet to really reflect on my life.
I have thought a lot about my twenties this trip and I am struck by one emotion: gratitude. I feel immense gratitude for where I am in my life. There are four core reasons why:
Timing
Sweet Lord I am grateful I did not become "famous" during my twenties. Let's face it, my twenties were messy! I was young and immature in many parts of my life. I can only imagine how much worse everything would have been if my flaws, imperfections and insecurities were on display for the whole world to see. I would not have been able to handle that kind of attention and publicity. Knowing myself, I would have subscribed too much importance to the opinions of others which is a very dangerous place to be when you have lots of notoriety. I was constantly seeking validation from others in my twenties, looking for others to make me feel valuable and worthy. This would have been a disaster for me if I had actually gotten “famous”.
I spent a lot of my twenties frustrated that I was not seeing much success with my music. But now looking back, I am so grateful that it didn't happen during that time.
Timing, as they say, is everything.
Optionality
There's a subtler, more powerful reason I am grateful that my music dreams did not pan out during my twenties. While I have been learning who I am as a musician, I have also spent the last decade working in financial services. This decision has given me something extremely valuable: options.
Do you know what happens to musicians who used to be famous, but who aren't anymore? Let me tell you, it's not a pretty life. They are outdated and fading in relevance. Their music was their main skill set and so it is the only way they know how to make money. They are forced to play show after show in order to make ends meet and at this point they're playing anything they can get. These musicians are miserable. They got famous for a moment, and have since spent the rest of their life struggling to make ends meet.
I feel confident that is not going to happen to me. I have invested in a variety of skill-sets during my twenties. If music ever fades, I will not be forced to live a life as a washed up has-been playing shows to feed my family. I would not have had this if I had gone for music straight out of the gate. I’m thankful for optionality.
Failure
In 2016 I quit my finance job to go full-time music. It was one of the biggest and scariest decisions of my life. It was also one of the most exciting.
I lasted for almost a year as a full time musician. But ultimately I failed and rejoined the finance industry in 2017.
I learned a lot in that year. It was one of those pivotal moments in life. Though I made many many more failures throughout my twenties, I am particularly grateful for that failure. It was significantly helpful.
People
I'm grateful for the people I have met along the way in my twenties. I have a very strong core of great friends and family who will be a fantastic support group for me going forward. I'm grateful I have met these people before I became famous. It is much harder to know who to trust when everyone you meet sees dollar signs when they look at you. My inner circle has been carefully picked. I'm grateful that this has happened before any kind of spotlight.
In Closing
This trip has shown me that taking a minute to take a breath and stop for a second is powerful. After the year we've all been through, how can you not need a second to sit and process? This trip has centered me a bit.